Dear Mom, STFU

I know you are super excited to be a grandmother (and why shouldn’t you be?), but I need you to contain yourself a bit. I have confided in you and turned to you when I was distraught about what might be happening with me. In that moment, you were the wonderful, calm, voice of reason and comfort I needed you to be – but what happened to that person since then?

Maybe it’s my fault. Maybe I downplay it too much. Maybe I haven’t actually said it in words that you understand – but I am worried and some days I’m sad. I thought maybe I didn’t need to really tell you that part; I had hoped you’d understand it because you are my mom. And a wonderful mom at that.

But when other people express their concern about me, please do not come back to me in an accusing tone and ask if I told them that I had a miscarriage. And try not to sound so shocked when my mother in law tells you that I seemed worried.

Every other person in my life who I have confided in assumes that this is hard and has been sensitive to that fact. I assumed you would do the same, but you gloss over it instead.

Even though I set myself up for it and no one else in the room knew anything was up, I felt humiliated when you teased me yesterday about having a baby. From anyone else, it wouldn’t have been a big deal. But you know.

So, in short, please stop monopolizing every conversation with how worried you are about my cousin’s pregnant wife because she is dizzy and when you think they’ll have a shower for her and about the adorable baby things you’re buying my niece. And, for heaven’s sake, do not ask me if I’m sure I’m not pregnant – you know the medication I’m on mimics those symptoms, so don’t play dumb.

Because, as much as I love the babies in my life, some days it is hard. Some days, I have to make myself hold my nieces. Some days I have to leave stores because I can’t handle the baby department. And some days, I cry on the phone with you and you don’t notice.

What if I don’t want to be thankful?

Thanksgiving has never been a big favorite in my list of holidays. It’s always just felt like a stop over on the way to Christmas. Of course, spending the day with family and enough food to warrant jumping up a pants size is always fun, but I’ve just never felt any strong feeling towards the holiday.

There is one part of the holiday I downright hate. I think most families have some variation of the tradition where everyone goes around the room and lists what they are thankful for. I have no idea why, but I start stressing about this about a month in advance. I always give the standard answer – family, friends, etc., etc. And don’t get me wrong; I am VERY thankful for these things. I think gratitude is a very important part of my life and I take time on a regular basis to count my blessings.

But for some reason, I am crippled with social anxiety about the simple act of telling my family what I am grateful for. I won’t even try to explain it, because it confounds me too.

But this year, I thought I’d have a good one. A show stopper. When we sat down and discussed our plans for getting pregnant, I truly believed this would be the month I would be far enough along in my pregnancy to announce it to our families over the holiday dinner. It was a naive thought, but every time I thought about the holidays this year, those thoughts were focused on being pregnant. I could just see it so clearly.

The holidays are going to be hard this year.

Planning my life away

As I sit here typing up my Thanksgiving menu and the timing of when I’ll make each dish, it occurs to me that I’m a more than a little bit type A. I try really hard to be the go with the flow type, but it just doesn’t happen. I like lists, charts, itineraries, spreadsheets, and calendars.

Boy do I love calendars. I use the one on my phone, generally have several different ones going for different work projects, a paper one hanging on my cube wall, and a paper one hanging on my fridge.

This is the most frustrating part of this whole experience for me. It’s not the “OMG, I want a baby right now” thing. Sure, sometimes it makes me a little sad to see babies or really cute baby things. The new Disney World commercials make me tear up more than they should and baby sneakers have made me cry in stores before. But generally, I’m more excited and happy to be around them than anything else.

I have faith that we will have children eventually. I’m even pretty positive that it will be sooner than later, so I find this stuff more exciting than anything else (on a good day).

The hard part is not being able to put it on my calendar. (I know, I know, just wait until you have kids, you can’t schedule kids, blah, blah, blah). But just yesterday I was asked about my New Years plans. And I found out the day before that my amazing in-laws bought me a flying lesson for Christmas. And I keep getting these really awesome vacation deals in my email. And every so often interesting jobs pop up in my Monster emails that I might have otherwise applied for.

And I feel like I’m on hold.

I’ve decided to make myself make plans as if things are the same. As if it won’t happen and I’ll adjust later. At least for the little things. Instead of not caring about my weight because I’m just going to get knocked up and fat soon anyway, I’ve started running with a C25K program and want to sign up for my first 5k in the spring. But I still can’t bring myself to respond to the Monster emails. And we’ll see about that flying lesson…

I have a drinking problem

No, not that kind. More the kind that causes me to have to pee every half hour or so. See this thing?

That’s 32 ounces that I fill up at least two to three times a day. And that’s in addition to the cups of water I leave scattered about the house, much to my husband’s dismay, and to my daily coffee and tea intake. I’m pretty super-hydrated. My pee is pretty much clear. I get up from desk to pee and five minutes later, I’m planning my next trip to the potty. Sometimes I wonder if the security guard in my office building (who sits right outside the restrooms) thinks I’m bulimic. I’m like a newly potty trained toddler – I don’t even go near a car without at least trying.

Of course, this is really good for me health-wise and all that, but it’s presenting an interesting challenge this month. After not getting a positive OPK result at all last month, I’ve decided I need to test twice a day. The morning test is easy – just use it as soon as I wake up, but the evening test is where things get tricky. Clear, 99% water urine isn’t going to give me any results. So I need to hold it for three to four hours before I take the test.

This means, if I want to test today when I get home from work around 6:30, my last trip to the bathroom should be in about 5 minutes (2:30). I’m already through a cup of coffee, two full nalgene bottles, and working on a cup of tea as I type this. There’s just no hope.

Amazon is judging me

The subscribe and save option on Amazon is my best friend. Thanks to it, we will never run out of toilet paper, cereal, paper towels, or pregnancy tests. That’s right, I just signed up to have ovulation predictor kits and pregnancy tests delivered to my house on a monthly basis. 15% off their already better than average prices and I don’t need to remember to buy them (or feel sheepish buying them in the grocery store).

But I feel like Amazon must be judging me. My recommendations on my homepage are just so freaking strange. I have pregnancy tests and books on fertility, oatmeal, the new Weezer CD, some Melissa and Doug toddler toys, Mario Galaxy 2, a Corningware soup mug I’ve been lusting over, a shark costume for dogs…

Better than the grocery store cashier judging me, but still, I imagine someone must be on the other end saying ‘what the hell is wrong with this chick?”

As exciting as saving money on this way over-priced crap is, I bet it will pale in comparison to how good it will feel to eventually hit “unsubscribe.”

Starting month 5

Welp, just as I suspected, this cycle was a waste. I was sick, timing was off, my body was out of whack from last cycle… Just too many factors working against me. I’m relieved and optimistic today, though, which is generally not the case the first day of my period.

I’m relieved that this cycle is over, even if it didn’t end up with me peeing on a stick and waving around the little “pregnant” result in Mr. PG’s face. This month just stressed me the hell out. Between worrying about taking the pills, starting the OPKs (that never gave me a positive result), not feeling well, and trying to time things around all these stupid weddings (and share hotel rooms with friends), I’m ready to call it and move on.

At least this month, I know what to expect. I definitely learn something new each cycle and can try something a little different. This coming cycle, I’m going to start testing with the OPKs twice a day. It seems like the hormone the OPK detects (LH) might just drop off too quickly in me to be detected in a once a day test. This could get expensive, but hopefully it will help me pinpoint it better.

As for the progesterone, at least this month I know what to expect. I’m going to feel sleepy and generally out of sorts, but it will pass and not be too bad. I also don’t have to worry about my cycle stretching on for days and days past when it used to – the progesterone supplement bought me a whole 3 extra days for this cycle. Not the weeks I was worried about.

So, here goes nothing. Cross your fingers for an August 2011 baby

And today’s side effect is…

Dizzy!

I feel like I have a new/different one each day from the Prometrium. Nothing horrible, though – nothing like what I was dreading. Mostly, I’m just tired. I’ve been ready to go to bed by 9 every night this week, but then I toss and turn through most of the night. I really hope this is not foreshadowing of my sleeping habits when I do get pregnant. At least for now I can drink extra coffee.

The hardest side effect so far is how these side effects mess with my head. Progesterone is what gives you pregnancy symptoms in the beginning of pregnancy, so the side-effects I’m having mimic being pregnant. And I could be pregnant (but I actually doubt it for this month), but chances are, it’s just from the drug.

It’s also not helpful when I tell someone like my mom that I’m exhausted and my boobs hurt like hell and she responds with “well, have you taken a test yet?” No, mom, it’s way too early to take a test. In fact, since the whole point of this is to lengthen my cycle, I have no idea when to expect to start my period anymore. So, it’s anyone’s guess at this point.

She’s just excited and I’m just trying to not let it wear off on me too much.

Make mine a pie chart

When we first started this adventure, we were on a “see how it goes” method. Not trying, but not not trying. Knowing my personality, I knew this wouldn’t last long. I love a good project and my type-A brain doesn’t go with the flow for very long.

Right off the bat I started my internet research and found that everyone told beginners the same thing: hunker down with the baby-making bible, Taking Charge of Your Fertility. This huge book isn’t as bad as it seems – it was easily skim-able and not too horribly dry. But it really really pushes charting your temperature and other things I’m not ready to talk about on here (yes, I’m five years old).  I knew about this method and, more than anything I wanted to avoid it. Not because it’s not a good method or even because it’s too much trouble or anything like that, but because I know how obsessive I can be. About anything. And this would just make it too easy.

So, to just further prove that nothing ever works out how you think it will, here are my charts!

What can I say? I love a good chart or graph. Maybe I should have been a scientist – screw words and those useless literature degrees…

In all seriousness, charting is not nearly as difficult or time-consuming as it seems at first. I think everyone picks and chooses what parts of it they want to bother with. It has, however, helped me dive head first into the obsession. I check it several times a day, even though I really only enter data into it once a day. I’m not sure what I think I can learn from staring at the dots, but it’s almost like I think I get points just from going to the website.

This month, charting has been more important, but much more frustrating. Since I was prescribed progesterone, I need to know what day I’m ovulating, so charting is more important than ever. Of course, that means that this month is the most confusing. I also started using ovulation predictor kits (OPKs for those in the know), but of course they are not lining up with what my temperatures are doing, so I’m not sure what’s going on.

I didn’t mind waking up every morning last month to take my temperature, but now I dread getting out of bed to use the OPK. It’s just frustrating getting the mixed signals. Just in case, I decided, with some level-headed advice from my husband, to just go ahead and start the pills. So far, so good, but I’m sure more about that will follow…

Wrestling

In high school, I always got stuck with first period gym class. Some teachers were more understanding than others when it came to making sleepy teenagers exercise at 7:20am. That’s how I ended up laying on a mat in the wrestling room one rainy, sleepy morning working on relaxation exercises and meditation. But relaxation was the last thing that happened for me. Instead I tried my best not to cry as I felt the floor spinning out from under me. At 16, I thought I was pregnant.

I’ve had a few pregnancy scares in the 10+ years since then, but nothing compares to the confusion, humiliation, and terror coursing through my body that particular day. My mind was a whirl of thoughts about finishing school, how disappointed my parents would be, and how this would shape the rest of my life. Looking back, I don’t even want to consider where I would be right now if I really had been pregnant. I watch Teen Mom – I know it could have been really bad.

But part of me knew it could be really good too. I think that was the first time in my life that I realized I did want to have kids (eventually). Up until then, I sort of figured I’d be that cool, childless, most likely unmarried, aunt to my brother’s kids because I’d be way too busy doing exciting things and traveling to the world to have kids.

I have since learned a few things: 1. meditation is really not for me 2. I can still be a pretty cool aunt 3. having a family is what I find to be “doing exciting things” these days (and who says kids can’t travel?).

But I am left wrestling with something after all these years (and subsequent scares): that it probably couldn’t have happened anyway. Or maybe it could and I should have taken advantage of my fertility then. And if that’s the case, when did my body make this change? Would it have been easier last year? The year before? Have I ever had miscarriages before this and just never knew?

Some Answers?

Although this is only my fifth cycle, I decided to make a doctor’s appointment. Knowing that the general advice for anyone under 30 is to wait until you’ve been trying for a year before seeking help, I was a little nervous about heading off to the doctor after only a few months. On top of that, this is a new doctor for me – I finally decided that driving an hour to see the OB/Gyn I’ve seen since I was 16 was not the best idea, especially if I did get pregnant.

But I felt like I was going crazy. My nice, regular cycles had been totally out of whack since July (coincidentally when we stopped using any form of BC) with all kinds of new interesting symptoms. My instinct told me something was up and that it needed to be addressed ASAP.

My doctor was very understanding and completely matter of fact. Without going into what I thought it was after Google helped me self-diagnose (a bad habit, I know), I just told her exactly what was happening. Lo and behold, she came to the same conclusion that Dr. Google did – low progesterone is keeping me from having long enough cycles to maintain pregnancy. She (and I) think it is very likely that I had one or two very early miscarriages over the past 4 months, which would explain the bleeding and other symptoms (including feeling like I was going crazy).

Where does that put me now? Monitoring myself for signs of ovulation so I can start a course of Prometrium for the second half of my cycle. I’ll have to do this each month until I get (and stay) pregnant.

It all makes me feel rushed. Before, it was just taking us a little bit longer, but we were still safely in the zone for a “normal, healthy” couple. Now, I feel like i just want to get this started because who the hell knows what the next obstacle will be. I’ve also read a little about the side effects associated with progesterone supplements and it makes me anxious to be off of it as soon as possible (ironically, anxiety is one of those side effects).

But at least I don’t feel crazy anymore. A little discouraged, but happy to have a plan and to have some validation for thinking something was wrong even after such a short time. And this way, even if we’re wrong and it’s a different issue altogether, at least I’ve gotten things rolling with my doctor and won’t be intimidated to seek her help again, even before that one-year mark.