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I know you are super excited to be a grandmother (and why shouldn’t you be?), but I need you to contain yourself a bit. I have confided in you and turned to you when I was distraught about what might be happening with me. In that moment, you were the wonderful, calm, voice of reason and comfort I needed you to be – but what happened to that person since then?
Maybe it’s my fault. Maybe I downplay it too much. Maybe I haven’t actually said it in words that you understand – but I am worried and some days I’m sad. I thought maybe I didn’t need to really tell you that part; I had hoped you’d understand it because you are my mom. And a wonderful mom at that.
But when other people express their concern about me, please do not come back to me in an accusing tone and ask if I told them that I had a miscarriage. And try not to sound so shocked when my mother in law tells you that I seemed worried.
Every other person in my life who I have confided in assumes that this is hard and has been sensitive to that fact. I assumed you would do the same, but you gloss over it instead.
Even though I set myself up for it and no one else in the room knew anything was up, I felt humiliated when you teased me yesterday about having a baby. From anyone else, it wouldn’t have been a big deal. But you know.
So, in short, please stop monopolizing every conversation with how worried you are about my cousin’s pregnant wife because she is dizzy and when you think they’ll have a shower for her and about the adorable baby things you’re buying my niece. And, for heaven’s sake, do not ask me if I’m sure I’m not pregnant – you know the medication I’m on mimics those symptoms, so don’t play dumb.
Because, as much as I love the babies in my life, some days it is hard. Some days, I have to make myself hold my nieces. Some days I have to leave stores because I can’t handle the baby department. And some days, I cry on the phone with you and you don’t notice.
Thanksgiving has never been a big favorite in my list of holidays. It’s always just felt like a stop over on the way to Christmas. Of course, spending the day with family and enough food to warrant jumping up a pants size is always fun, but I’ve just never felt any strong feeling towards the holiday.
There is one part of the holiday I downright hate. I think most families have some variation of the tradition where everyone goes around the room and lists what they are thankful for. I have no idea why, but I start stressing about this about a month in advance. I always give the standard answer – family, friends, etc., etc. And don’t get me wrong; I am VERY thankful for these things. I think gratitude is a very important part of my life and I take time on a regular basis to count my blessings.
But for some reason, I am crippled with social anxiety about the simple act of telling my family what I am grateful for. I won’t even try to explain it, because it confounds me too.
But this year, I thought I’d have a good one. A show stopper. When we sat down and discussed our plans for getting pregnant, I truly believed this would be the month I would be far enough along in my pregnancy to announce it to our families over the holiday dinner. It was a naive thought, but every time I thought about the holidays this year, those thoughts were focused on being pregnant. I could just see it so clearly.
The holidays are going to be hard this year.
As I sit here typing up my Thanksgiving menu and the timing of when I’ll make each dish, it occurs to me that I’m a more than a little bit type A. I try really hard to be the go with the flow type, but it just doesn’t happen. I like lists, charts, itineraries, spreadsheets, and calendars.
Boy do I love calendars. I use the one on my phone, generally have several different ones going for different work projects, a paper one hanging on my cube wall, and a paper one hanging on my fridge.
This is the most frustrating part of this whole experience for me. It’s not the “OMG, I want a baby right now” thing. Sure, sometimes it makes me a little sad to see babies or really cute baby things. The new Disney World commercials make me tear up more than they should and baby sneakers have made me cry in stores before. But generally, I’m more excited and happy to be around them than anything else.
I have faith that we will have children eventually. I’m even pretty positive that it will be sooner than later, so I find this stuff more exciting than anything else (on a good day).
The hard part is not being able to put it on my calendar. (I know, I know, just wait until you have kids, you can’t schedule kids, blah, blah, blah). But just yesterday I was asked about my New Years plans. And I found out the day before that my amazing in-laws bought me a flying lesson for Christmas. And I keep getting these really awesome vacation deals in my email. And every so often interesting jobs pop up in my Monster emails that I might have otherwise applied for.
And I feel like I’m on hold.
I’ve decided to make myself make plans as if things are the same. As if it won’t happen and I’ll adjust later. At least for the little things. Instead of not caring about my weight because I’m just going to get knocked up and fat soon anyway, I’ve started running with a C25K program and want to sign up for my first 5k in the spring. But I still can’t bring myself to respond to the Monster emails. And we’ll see about that flying lesson…
No, not that kind. More the kind that causes me to have to pee every half hour or so. See this thing?
That’s 32 ounces that I fill up at least two to three times a day. And that’s in addition to the cups of water I leave scattered about the house, much to my husband’s dismay, and to my daily coffee and tea intake. I’m pretty super-hydrated. My pee is pretty much clear. I get up from desk to pee and five minutes later, I’m planning my next trip to the potty. Sometimes I wonder if the security guard in my office building (who sits right outside the restrooms) thinks I’m bulimic. I’m like a newly potty trained toddler – I don’t even go near a car without at least trying.
Of course, this is really good for me health-wise and all that, but it’s presenting an interesting challenge this month. After not getting a positive OPK result at all last month, I’ve decided I need to test twice a day. The morning test is easy – just use it as soon as I wake up, but the evening test is where things get tricky. Clear, 99% water urine isn’t going to give me any results. So I need to hold it for three to four hours before I take the test.
This means, if I want to test today when I get home from work around 6:30, my last trip to the bathroom should be in about 5 minutes (2:30). I’m already through a cup of coffee, two full nalgene bottles, and working on a cup of tea as I type this. There’s just no hope.
The subscribe and save option on Amazon is my best friend. Thanks to it, we will never run out of toilet paper, cereal, paper towels, or pregnancy tests. That’s right, I just signed up to have ovulation predictor kits and pregnancy tests delivered to my house on a monthly basis. 15% off their already better than average prices and I don’t need to remember to buy them (or feel sheepish buying them in the grocery store).
But I feel like Amazon must be judging me. My recommendations on my homepage are just so freaking strange. I have pregnancy tests and books on fertility, oatmeal, the new Weezer CD, some Melissa and Doug toddler toys, Mario Galaxy 2, a Corningware soup mug I’ve been lusting over, a shark costume for dogs…
Better than the grocery store cashier judging me, but still, I imagine someone must be on the other end saying ‘what the hell is wrong with this chick?”
As exciting as saving money on this way over-priced crap is, I bet it will pale in comparison to how good it will feel to eventually hit “unsubscribe.”
Welp, just as I suspected, this cycle was a waste. I was sick, timing was off, my body was out of whack from last cycle… Just too many factors working against me. I’m relieved and optimistic today, though, which is generally not the case the first day of my period.
I’m relieved that this cycle is over, even if it didn’t end up with me peeing on a stick and waving around the little “pregnant” result in Mr. PG’s face. This month just stressed me the hell out. Between worrying about taking the pills, starting the OPKs (that never gave me a positive result), not feeling well, and trying to time things around all these stupid weddings (and share hotel rooms with friends), I’m ready to call it and move on.
At least this month, I know what to expect. I definitely learn something new each cycle and can try something a little different. This coming cycle, I’m going to start testing with the OPKs twice a day. It seems like the hormone the OPK detects (LH) might just drop off too quickly in me to be detected in a once a day test. This could get expensive, but hopefully it will help me pinpoint it better.
As for the progesterone, at least this month I know what to expect. I’m going to feel sleepy and generally out of sorts, but it will pass and not be too bad. I also don’t have to worry about my cycle stretching on for days and days past when it used to – the progesterone supplement bought me a whole 3 extra days for this cycle. Not the weeks I was worried about.
So, here goes nothing. Cross your fingers for an August 2011 baby 
