An Introduction

Why blog? Why blog about this?

Anyone who knows me in real life knows I can talk. Boy, can I talk on and on for hours with hardly a breath in between. I have opinions on absolutely everything and I’m just dying to share them with anyone who will listen. Or pretend to listen as the case may be.

But lately I have a lump deep in my throat. Some things squeeze by it with ease. Other things back up so far behind I can feel the traffic jam down in the pit of my stomach. It’s just not easy to answer “how are you?” with “I think I’m having a miscarriage.”

So, here I am, trying my best to reroute the traffic the best way I know how. Because I need to share this frustrating, exciting, heartbreaking, life-changing, nerve-wracking ride and I just don’t know another way.

Ending Before it Began

I think the term “early failure” was introduced to make us feel better. Miscarriage was sounding too serious for these little routine happenings that we can’t even track. Before the invention of the home pregnancy test, we probably had no idea of the possibility starting up inside of us. What’s a little bit of extra blood?

Early failure sounds comfortingly clinical. Failure is harsh, but just names how I feel. I’m glad that’s not negated at least. It’s official – you failed. And you did it early.

I’m not grieving. Not for the loss of a child. I’m sad for what could have been. I’m discouraged for what might be. I’m grieving the loss of just a little bit of that hope and excitement that has carried me through the past few months.

When I saw that bright kool-aid red  blood again I knew it was either the best thing that could happen or the worst. Implantation or failure. No inbetween.

My cycles that I could once set a clock by are becoming unreliable and short. I feel like I’m going crazy, that after only four months, no sane women in her 20s would worry this much about infertility.

So here we go. Cycle day 1. Again.